How do parents maintain a clear “parenting identity™” in a society always throwing us curveballs? How do we look beyond the sham of a commodified culture to what is most meaningful within us? A strong sense of self keeps our parental priorities straight, our authentic authority intact, and allows us a sense of creative freedom in our parenting that we can’t get from anywhere else.
In addition, being content and clear with who we are helps our children consider carefully who they wish to become. By transmitting our clear identity to our children—consciously, intentionally—they grow to be clear in their own identity. And what a great gift that is!
Children with a strong sense of self are much less likely to go along with the crowd and are more likely to take an unpopular stance and come out unscathed because they believe in themselves and what they stand for. Firm in their convictions, their inner world takes precedent over the outer one. And paradoxically, they navigate the outer world successfully and with much more ease than kids always looking “outside of themselves” for the answers.
To grow future innovators and leaders, parenting from a strong sense of your own identity is key.
In my research over the last 30 years, I discovered two fundamental ways that help parents stay clear on their “parenting identities™” and communicate it effectively to their children.
Know Your Values and Don’t be Shy About Telling Your Children What They Are
“If everyone was like our family, then we would be the weird ones, and not me.” That’s what one mom told her son when he was complaining about taking nutritious lunches to school when all his friends were eating Twinkies and Lunchables™. Taking time to do what we value, like providing healthy lunches for our children, may be unpopular in a culture that usually “pushes” the opposite of what is healthy and helpful.
So in our “industry-culture” making daily decisions from our core beliefs may not be possible each and every day—but definitely worth striving for on a daily basis. And when we fail, (which we all do) we must be gentle with ourselves and begin again, knowing it’s natural to be hard on ourselves when we don’t follow through in what we believe in.
Robert Quinn, in his book, Change the World, calls this “diminishing the self.” We all do it, yet when we do, we pay for it. “When we feel ashamed of something we’ve done, we get more divided. We feel bad, in part, because we know that we have the potential to be more than we are, yet here we are choosing to behave in ways that increasingly diminish the self. The more divided we become, the more disempowered, worthless, and unlovable we feel. (1)
When we find ourselves face-to- face with “our divided self” we can look within and ask ourselves: “What do I do next time with my kids that reflects what I truly believe in and notwhat the world wants me to believe in? How do I talk with them about this?”
And there’s always a next time. The beauty of these “failures” is that they cause us to keep refining and clarifying what is most important to us. Soon our parental values and our parenting priorities are aligned and we and our children know this and feel it in the energy and aliveness—the vitality it brings to our family and everyone around us!
Tell Your Stories—Unabashedly
When you tell stories about your past you re-connect to your traditions and values passed to you by your ancestors. Sharing these stories with your children is a great way to help you remind yourself of you parenting identity—where you came from and how you got to be the parent you are–most likely refining their ways and learning from them who you want to be and who you don’t want to be.
The importance of stories to connect and bind resurges often in social science research. A recent article in The New York Times punctuates the fact that telling your stories, not only provides a clear identity to your children, it also helps them become more resilient, more capable in the midst of challenges.
The article cites the work of Marshall Duke, at Emory University. He and his team set out to test the hypothesis:
“Do kids who know a lot about their families tend to do better when they face challenges?”
The researchers asked questions of four dozen families in the summer of 2001 and taped several of their dinner table conversations. The types of questions they asked on their “Do You Know Scale?” were: Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school? Do you know where your parents met? Do you know an illness or something really terrible that happened in your family? Do you know the story of your birth?
“They then compared the children’s results to a battery of psychological tests the children had taken, and reached an overwhelming conclusion. The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned. The “Do You Know?” scale turned out to be the best single predictor of children’s emotional health and happiness.” (2)
Why? When children know their personal history they have a strong foundation upon which to build their own.
Our personal stories are also important records of our personal history. They let our children know they belong to us—not to Facebook or the latest app! In Parenting Well in a Media Age, I describe the need for parents to create a “personally-generated culture” through telling their stories and supporting the feeling of belonging by helping children contribute to the family and to that which is greater than themselves. This is extremely powerful for developing a sense of self because the individual self is always a part of something larger than itself. When the larger whole—or society—is healthy, it’s easier to grow up with a strong sense of self. But when the larger society such as ours is wrought with negative messages and inappropriate images—daily, unrelenting throughout 18 years and beyond—it becomes increasingly imperative for parents to consciously create a “safe have” for their children which in no uncertain terms makes it crystal clear: “You belong here, with us. And not there, with them.”
“You belong here, with us. And not there, with them” has become my mission. Remembering where our children belong keeps me fueled to help parents protect their “parenting identity™” however and wherever I can.
Copyright, Gloria DeGaetano, 2013. All rights reserved.
References
1. Robert Quinn, Change the World, How Ordinary People Can Accomplish Extraordinary Results, (Jossey-Bass, Inc., 200, p. 78.
2. Bruce Feiler, The Stories That Bind Us, The New York Times on-line, March 17, 2013, http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/17/fashion/the-family-stories-that-bind-us-this-life.html?ref=todayspaper&_r=0
The Atlantic has complied a 345 page free ebook of the best posts of 2012 from their technology section. Description:
“The Best Writing From The Atlantic’s Technology Channel 2012 is an anthology that showcases the site’s kaleidoscopic approach to covering the tech scene. This isn’t a book merely about technologies—it’s one about the ideas that animate them, the people who create them, and the users who transform them.”
Thought=provoking reading about the implications of new technologies in our daily lives.
When I read the article in last Sunday’s New York Times “Talking-Walking Objects” I kept shouting out “Why?” and “Oh, No” as if the author could hear me or cared if she did.
Why a raincoat that whistles “when I need it?”
OK, so now a raincoat is telling me I’m oblivious when it’s raining outside. Or worse yet, I have forgotten that I have a choice here and can in my humble humanness choose not to wear a raincoat on a rainy day, a hallmark of true Seattleites by the way, who don’t easily succumb to our usual daily reality. And will this smarty-pants raincoat be able to make distinctions between drizzle and gales, I wonder. But why am I asking that question in the first place? Wearing a raincoat that whistles to alert me that’s it’s raining is downright creepy. Or at least it seems like that to me today…
And why do I need a fork that vibrates, telling me to slow down? If I want to eat fast because I have to pick up the kids in an hour before I drop by the cleaners before it closes—then a fork intruding on my necessary fast pace is just plain annoying. I’m stressed out enough. I don’t need a simple, innocent fork be become “evil fork with a vengeance.”
And I don’t want my vacuum cleaner to feel jubilant after my carpets are clean, thank you very much. I want to feel jubilant.
And I don’t want my cutting board to offer me “helpful tips if my knife skills aren’t up to par.” I would rather bleed than have a machine lead me to believing I’m an incompetent cook.
If I start getting texts from my washing machine when my laundry is done, I may just choose to go back to the nearby watering hole and hand wringers. And spare me the “robotic parasites” around my wrist to remind me when I sit too long and I’m not exercising enough. Hey, if I want to shorten my life—that’s my business, not yours. When I meet my Maker I may have a legitimate case—“But I resisted the machines and relied on myself. Doesn’t that count for something?”
Why do some people in high tech think that humans in their everyday life need machines that blink at us coyly, remind us constantly, and give “emotional value.” Don’t we get enough of that from friends and relatives?
The article concludes with:
“Despite the potential risks, (Yeah, right…) the future will be rich with sensor-based, animated objects using expressive sound, light, motion and screens to praise, encourage, advise and comfort us.”
This recent post on my Facebook page about a new i-potty for toddlers prompts me to stop what I’m doing today and to reach out to you dear readers, asking you to take a moment to consider:
Once a technology gets imbedded in our society, there’s no turning back. We adopt and adapt. Can we do both mindfully?
Do we actually want little ones to grow spending more time with screen machines than with real life? (We can still agree what real life is, can’t we?)
How do we help moms and dads make wise decisions for their youngsters in the service of optimal child development? (Even though yes, they are busy, overwhelmed, stressed beyond measure. I love how scholar and digital literacy advocate, Douglas Rushkoff puts the absolute need to tame the devices in childhood: “…the physical world — a place kids must learn to navigate before they are equipped to venture into virtual ones.”
I and the PCI Coaches I train, so agree. When we support parents with understanding the negative impacts of overuse of any form of screen technology, they muster up the will to make the tough daily decisions. Why? Because they begin to understand what is lost for their children forever if they don’t.
The iPotty is a child’s potty with a built-in iPad stand. Its makers say it can be used “for entertainment”, or to help children toilet train.
I’d like to share the title poem from my book, Left to Their Devices, What’s Left? that I wrote to capture some of that loss. After seeing this new i-pad potty, I am needing to be reminded to muster the energy and the will to work for age-approriate, wise use of digital devices. How about you?
Left to Their Devices
The gadgets seduce our young in a modern-day siren song, promising power, but delivering addiction.
Children imprisoned in a screen-world, can’t remember what they never experienced—God’s close world of warm breezes touching apple cheeks, soggy soil squeezed through pudgy fingers, the wonder of dandelion fluff blown sky-high by a single breath.
Distracted from essential earth, how will children know real human connections tested in trial and renewed in embrace?
Preoccupied by the trivial, do they hear their deep Selves starving for the authentic?
Attention distorted, spirits mangled, will crushed, still—we leave them to their devices.
Left to their devices, childhood becomes a barren terrain and adolescence a consumer carnival.
Left to their devices children see empty reflections in the mirror of a social network, desperately seeking themselves in others.
Left to their devices, we abandon children to predatory practices and call it capitalistic competition.
Left to their devices, we strangle parental power to insure our kids belong to the crowd.
Left to their devices, children miss what they want most and don’t even know it passed.
Copyright, Gloria DeGaetano, 2013. All rights reserved.
For the past few years my end-of-the-year resolution was not to make a single resolution. I had learned the hard way that after several merry weeks of nose-to-the-grindstone discipline, my resolve inevitably weakened. Stress, guilt, and self-doubt slowly replaced the vanishing healthy habit I had heartily “resolved” to put into my life.
I hate entering spring feeling like a failure. No. More. Resolutions.
Yet, like all of us…I deeply desire to grow—change for the positive—after all, that’s what I help parents do. That’s what I help professionals do in the Parent Coach Certification® program I developed. So what to do at the end of the year? I can embrace the “hypocritical self” as Robert Quinn advises in his outstanding book, Change the World. But deep down, I know that’s not enough—never has been.
In an impetuous moment, I decided to look up the origin of the word, “resolution.” (I love investigating words. Their history usually leads to interesting personal futures—in this case I was not disappointed.)
late 14c., from L. resolvere “to loosen, undo, settle,” from re-, intensive prefix, + solvere “loosen”.
Oh my gosh. You mean “resolution” has an inner teddy bear? Its hard modern-day facade actually encases a soft beginning—what could be less threatening than loosening? Easier than un-doing? More peaceful than settle?
Loosen. Undo. Settle. Yes, I love this! And in that order.
Loosen…All desire for anything difficult, requiring inhumane scheduling changes or superhuman will power. Ask self: What is too tight, wound-up—what can I loosen? A hamstring? A tight lower back? Control of my husband’s housecleaning? Jumbled thoughts—packaged too tight like vacuum-sealed corn kernels? Expectations for an uncluttered desk? Need for an ordered office space? There’s probably a whole lot more I can loosen…
Undo…Undo what previously was done that didn’t really accomplish anything, anyway. Ask self: What did I create that wasn’t as productive or meaningful as I thought it would be? How do I un-create it? What can I undo in my schedule that will give me more time to loosen? (see above)? If I undo_________, how will I bring more good in the world? Un-doing has limitless possibilities—so energizing!
Settle…Not as in “settling for less” but as “settle in”—settling as accepting with peace. Settle as: I am nesting within myself—all is OK. Ask self: How do I settle the tension between challenging myself and not driving myself nuts? What truly brings me that settling in feeling: Shades down and a cozy fire? All the lights on in my home office when I’m working? Completions of any kind? An exercise routine? Weekly goals? Monthly bouquets? Yes, settling and settling in hold great promise for more inner peace and fulfillment in 2013.
When children and teachers are massacred, the world stops, and so do we.
Innocent blood splattered on school walls too real to be denied means…
We better stop right now taking pride in doing so little for so few. It’s time to re-consider and ask: “How do I adjust my life to do more good for more people?”
Innocent blood splattered on school walls too real to be denied means…
It will probably get worse (Yes! more school massacres) if more of us don’t take more responsibility for the collective well being and move way beyond our isolated spheres of self-congratulatory glory.
Innocent blood splattered on school walls too real to be denied invites…
Enormous effort to do more good. To become salmon swimming upstream, not the popular culture, but a humanity of integrity, living from our deepest values, deciding from our unique wisdom, supported by our common strength.
Innocent blood splattered on school walls too real to be denied invites…
Our love to become our actions while our actions demonstrate our love.
We change this reality now and for all.
Innocent blood splattered on school walls too real to be denied…
Means we can’t hide or deny our soul’s magnificence.
Innocent blood splattered on school walls too real to be denied…
Invites us to do more good. We become more conscious, wise—for us—
Numb. Shocked. Saddened beyond belief by the Connecticut shooting, like everyone else. Wanting to live in a world where children flourish carefree. Wanting to see young men—even those with mental challenges—express their anger in healthy ways and have no desire—or even one thought ever—of murder.
The complex factors that lead up to such a tragic finality can never be known. Yet, it moves me to isolate possible“reasons” and make sense of how our young get to this surreal “solution.” Why has life, his life and others lives become so meaningless? So easily annihilated?
In 1999 after the Columbine tragedy I had asked the same questions. Through a dark-night-of-the-soul experience I stumbled upon a series of understandings and then a conclusion of what I could do to help prevent such tragedies.
Gun Control: Yes, the U.S. needs gun control. And gun control may prevent such tragedies. But I am not so sure that gun control can stop a person who has a strong desire to kill from finding a gun to do it.
Violent Media and Violent Video Games: Conditioning kids to act like killing machines is a real problem that I explain with Lt. Col. Dave Grossman in our book, Stop Teaching Our Kids to Kill (ironically published right after the Columbine tragedy). Violent video games act like murder rehearsal, conditioning the brain and de-sensitizing the child from the repulsiveness of killing that an empathetic person would naturally feel. However, many kids play violent games and don’t pick up real guns to kill real people.
Caring Relationships: Most people who kill others and/or themselves lack supportive relationships in their lives. This is evident by the time they pick up that gun. But how did they get to that point? Going through a school system, isolated, depressed children are very likely to encounter at least one caring teacher or a supportive peer—our schools are filled with them!
More Parental Love: It seems that the shooters in most massacres come from loving homes with well-intentioned parents.
My Conclusion: To create a mass murderer, a sociopath, a suicidal maniac, whether a middle-school student or a young man age 20, something happened—or perhaps better put—many things that need to happen for healthy development did not happen. Yes, we must have effective gun control, and schools must improve in providing effective ways for “loners” to participate and feel cared for.
But the most profound and effective way to prevent such tragedies is to make sure parents have the knowledge, skills, and will to make sure their children’s developmental needs get met. It’s that simple. And that complicated.
Parents, crushed in spirit by the overwhelming demands of modern-day parenting, need on-going dialogue and contextually-supported strategies to help them figure out in this age of information—just exactly what information is needed at this particular time for their unique child’s cognitive, emotional/social, spiritual development.
That exchange and creation of ideas and actions, new attitudes, improved habits, and renewed decision-making takes place within a trusting relationship with a professional with a big heart and a deep tool chest to make the types of positive changes that will make the big differences.
Today I wonder if this mother, gone forever by the son she brought to life, would have been able to better address his needs (and hers) with the help of a PCI Coach. I am haunted by this wondering because I know the answer.
We’re a stalled society—not where technology is concerned, of course. The devices continue to grow and improve. Technological society seems sound and doing well, headed for more Siri-type know-it-alls, VR, and embedded chips. But what about the people using the technology? How are we doing? Are we growing and improving as humans, alongside technology’s progress?
I hate to throw a damper on your day, but the age old questions since the early 50’s when TV entered the family living room still need answers: How do we control it? (Today “it’ means the Internet, along with TV, video games, and all our hand-held devices) How do we use it and not be used by it? How do we manage to attend to and enjoy 3-D reality without getting all wrapped up in 2-D “reality” and teach our children to do the same?
Parents doing their best are not totally responsible for violent children. Many moms and dads are confused about the appropriate developmental needs of children. It is very, very difficult for some moms and dads to obtain and implement this critical information and more difficult even yet, to implement in daily parenting decisions. That is the fundamental reason I started the Parent Coaching Institute–so that parents could work with a compassionate coach and learn how to make daily decisions aligned with their child’s brain development. This brain-based parenting will solve our bullying problems better than any bullying prevention program. When children’s and teens’ cognitive, emotional/social, and spiritual needs go unmet, violence to self or others is apt to happen–it’s what happens to all living things–without care, nurturance, and attention, all living things wither and die. PCI Coaches keep a focused attention on helping parents be their best and do their best to meet their child’s critically important developmental needs–the best prevention program available. Read More
The other day, checking my Facebook page, I was shocked to see a picture of my deceased mother smiling back at me—“Look, hon, I called to my husband, “Here’s my mom on Facebook!” Strange. It wasn’t Mom’s birthday or the anniversary of her death, either. What gives? Understanding dawned slowly. My niece had posted a “just because” photo, missing her grandmother, catching me totally off guard. Amazing what you can wake up to these days.
I examined the photo, one I had not yet seen. I notice the curve of her smile and the light in her eyes—Mom at my niece’s wedding shower. She was happy that day, distracted from her pain. She would struggle to get to the wedding, triumphant in her wheelchair…managing to make that occasion, but sadly in heaven before my niece’s son was born.
Studying the photo, I struggled with a string of emotions I hadn’t planned on this weekday morning. Preparing to post research, I got blind-sided, instead. Both annoyed and grateful for this powerful interruption, I had to pause and ponder.
Such a personally meaningful experience so unexpected, so not asked for, so “just there,” crystallized for me the undiluted power of our devices to connect us. Sure, I’ve known this professionally. In 2001 I launched the PCI Parent Coach Training Program intentionally as a distance-learning model. Now, it’s grown internationally and because of the Internet I have had the tremendous opportunity of working with wonderful professionals and parents all across the globe—which never ceases to amaze me.
